I'm feeling horribly resteless lately. I do this now and then....kind of feel...well...anxious in a way. Excited in a way but without knowing why or what I'm supposed to do about it. Where to put the energy.
I work hard and have my dreams and am slowly climbing towards them and I know it seems odd to say I don't know where to put this energy. God knows I have enough to do and it takes more than I have to get it all done...but this is a different energy. It's like a need to stretch...to feel...to be seen or to be known.
I have this urge to meet someone, to connect, to see how they exist day to day...for them to want to see how I exist.
Maybe getting into my 40s has something to do with it. I still feel so young and age means little to me...and I thought I would Never have a mid life crisis...but what if I am feelign mortal? What if I sense time more than before and have this urge to stretch out, to have grand passion...for anything, someone.
Oh, I have love and people in my lives. I don't let too many, any get too close, except for G, but even with her I hide parts of me. I can't seem to open myself up wide enough...to be exposed. I wonder why? Perhaps she's too gentle to be ...hmmm...what's the word...to be primal with. Mmmm...that's not quite the way to say it...it's like, some passion requires an intensity and is almost anger...and how can I be angry and so intense with someone so nice?
God...someone once told me they didn't want to continue being my lover because I was too nice. I thought that was the biggest load of shit I'd ever heard when she said that to me. I thought she just wanted clearance to play the field, which she bloody well did...LOL...but I digress. So at the time I thought 'how can anyone be too nice'? And later on she did regret it, as she got older. But here I am, finding myself saying the same thing about a partner. Isn't it funny that you can love someone for being so kind and wonderful, yet those same qualities can sometimes prevent you getting heavy with them.
I had a look at the lesbian groups to see if there would be someone to talk with but I didn't really find anything that would exactly feed the soul, so I guess the restlessness finds me starting this blog.
Well..enough of all that for now. Today I'm trying to get all this email clear. I can't remember the last time I managed to have an empty inbox...probably the first day I logged on all those years ago.
I really don't want to do business emails, I'm tired today, probably because of the dinner party last night. Hell...LOL...I get so nervous cooking for so many though! Remind me, why do I entertain?? It was good to see all the girls again though...it's been far too long. I've got a huge amount of work to do leading up to the shows and the Canada trip and I wont probably wont get to see them for a long time.
Okay, okay...back to this email. It's a good day for it at least, rainy at last after so much drought. Australia sure is a dry county but this has been beyond a joke. It was 29 C the other day...in April!!
STM
