Shoots The Moon

lonely in a crowded room...

Tue, 27 Apr 2004 12:55:42 PDT

Do you ever feel lonely in a crowded room?

That's how I felt today when I was talking to some new friends in a gay group. They were funny and sweet and lovely and everything, but I was missing something...someone. I think I keep subconsciously looking for 'her'. That one person who is great to talk to. The one who's funny, fascninating, funny, smart, deep...who has somewhere to be in life...someone who is having a go at their dreams...someone I can relate to.
I'm not looking for a lover in her, more like a talking partner, a friend. Mind you...LOL...if she's all that and cute or sexy as well...I'm in deep deep trouble.
Of the people I talk with most now:
Gentle basically lets me talk. She doesn't like to debate or get 'meaty' so she sits there and nods while I have a good old vent. Don't get me wrong...a friend who can listen is a wonderful thing, but sometimes you need some ideas bounced back, you know? Some stimulation.
Crazy keeps edging towards insanity with every tick of the clock and I'm getting seriously confused and angry at the way she writes and talks. Sometimes it just plain doesn't make sense! She seems to be in some imaginary competition to insert as many big words as she can into every sentence. The only rule of this competition is that you must assemble the words in such a way as to make no fucking sense at all! This leaves the listener/reader with absolutely no bloody idea what the hell is going on...hence the anger part.
Then we have FTM. I'm sure he thinks the government is constantly watching him and he has become so paranoid that all of our conversations are truncated in various ways. Everything has to be abbreviated or given code names. This kinda puts a damp on the smooth transfer of thought and information.
I have to say at this point...I am glad I live in Australia.
Hmmm....so where was I? That's right...in this room, having a nice time, but left with a feeling of missing something...of being alone.
Maybe I should just settle with what I already have and not look for more...or is that attitude the beginning of apathy?

Shoots the Moon

Cracking the whip...

Mon, 26 Apr 2004 03:54:16 PDT

10.30am Aussie time.

Okay...Monday morning, Sarah M is on and I'm already shitting myself with how much I have to do. I'm running around like a headless chook, looking at one project, semi panic....run to the next, semi panic...not settling on one thing to get out of the way.
I was thinking about the book offer and how much time they originally gave me to write it. They have taken so damn long to get the contract in the mail that I'm now severaly limited and am wondering at my sanity to even consider writing it with all the other commitments I have.
Why do I do this??!!!! Do I need this stress???!!!!
Okay...calm down. Concentrate on the first thing, set a time, get it done. Crap...that means email. LOL...I swear I remember a time when email used to excite me. Wouldn't it be nice to just shoot the breeze with someone via email rather than give endless advice or deal with some supplier.
C writes every day still...I write back, but I swear the woman has some serious problems and her emails tire me...confuse me. How she expects me to feel the same after all that has happened is beyond me. How she can expect to say words to seduce me and have me running like a drooling mess is also beyond me. Maybe once I would have...maybe on the right day I still might....but as time goes on, I doubt it. I know she'll want to when we meet again...not because she is dying to make love from just mearly seeing me, but also as a test to her own value...some twisted way to wipe the slate clean and feel good about herself again. What a fucking mess all that is.

Alright...bugger this for a joke...far too negative...let Sarah do her stuff...time to make some ground here.

STM

Restless

Sun, 25 Apr 2004 14:11:17 PDT

6pm, Australian EST

I'm feeling horribly resteless lately. I do this now and then....kind of feel...well...anxious in a way. Excited in a way but without knowing why or what I'm supposed to do about it. Where to put the energy.
I work hard and have my dreams and am slowly climbing towards them and I know it seems odd to say I don't know where to put this energy. God knows I have enough to do and it takes more than I have to get it all done...but this is a different energy. It's like a need to stretch...to feel...to be seen or to be known.
I have this urge to meet someone, to connect, to see how they exist day to day...for them to want to see how I exist.
Maybe getting into my 40s has something to do with it. I still feel so young and age means little to me...and I thought I would Never have a mid life crisis...but what if I am feelign mortal? What if I sense time more than before and have this urge to stretch out, to have grand passion...for anything, someone.
Oh, I have love and people in my lives. I don't let too many, any get too close, except for G, but even with her I hide parts of me. I can't seem to open myself up wide enough...to be exposed. I wonder why? Perhaps she's too gentle to be ...hmmm...what's the word...to be primal with. Mmmm...that's not quite the way to say it...it's like, some passion requires an intensity and is almost anger...and how can I be angry and so intense with someone so nice?
God...someone once told me they didn't want to continue being my lover because I was too nice. I thought that was the biggest load of shit I'd ever heard when she said that to me. I thought she just wanted clearance to play the field, which she bloody well did...LOL...but I digress. So at the time I thought 'how can anyone be too nice'? And later on she did regret it, as she got older. But here I am, finding myself saying the same thing about a partner. Isn't it funny that you can love someone for being so kind and wonderful, yet those same qualities can sometimes prevent you getting heavy with them.
I had a look at the lesbian groups to see if there would be someone to talk with but I didn't really find anything that would exactly feed the soul, so I guess the restlessness finds me starting this blog.
Well..enough of all that for now. Today I'm trying to get all this email clear. I can't remember the last time I managed to have an empty inbox...probably the first day I logged on all those years ago.
I really don't want to do business emails, I'm tired today, probably because of the dinner party last night. Hell...LOL...I get so nervous cooking for so many though! Remind me, why do I entertain?? It was good to see all the girls again though...it's been far too long. I've got a huge amount of work to do leading up to the shows and the Canada trip and I wont probably wont get to see them for a long time.
Okay, okay...back to this email. It's a good day for it at least, rainy at last after so much drought. Australia sure is a dry county but this has been beyond a joke. It was 29 C the other day...in April!!

STM